Till death do us part...! B**ch!!
I've always loved the traditional catholic wedding vow "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part." It just resonates, commitment, love, compassion, faith...everything that a man and a woman coming together as one would value within the bonds of matrimony. That's probably why I love watching wedding shows on tv so much; from the planning stage, to all the drama that goes on and finally to the part where they finally kiss and pronounce the I do's. Perhaps it's because what I see in them is the ideal of what a typical marriage should be. To me, this is what makes a marriage so sacred, a binding contract between two agreeing parties, as ordained by God.
Now going back to the vows, this is what a sunni muslim man probably might be thinking if such vows did exist in a muslim marriage ceremony.
"To have and to hold, ....for better, for worse in which case I can just get another wife if things don't work out between us, no need to divorce; for richer, for poorer, although if I do become rich then I'm more than likely to get another wife, coz I can; in sickness or in health, surely if you are sick and can't provide your wifely duties or you cannot provide me with a child, then it's pretty obvious that I'm going to get another wife, DUHHH! Heck, even if you're healthy I still might want another wife just for the sake of it, coz it's my right; to love and to cherish, but not the disney fairytale kind of love that you've been brainwashed with but the limited love I can provide you with between my 3 other wives......."till death do us part," coz I have the upperhand and thus you will stay married to me, whether you like it or not.
What is a marriage in Islam really worth if none of those things that make a marriage sacred, are being upheld? I guess it's all about having halal sex. What's so sacred about that then?? I don't get it. Surely a marriage is more than just halal sex. After all, I would be punished twice as much as an unmarried woman or a married MaMalakatAymanukum would if I had extramarital affairs (I think that's right?). At least a MaMalakatAymanukum would be obtaining her freedom by getting married to her caretaker. Anyway...just rambling here on what I've been thinking about lately.
8 comments:
As Salaamu Alaikum Sis:
You sound angry. I would be, too. It's OK. I'm glad that you are writing about it. Insha Allah it will help you toward some kind of resolution. I don't know what it will be, or how it will turn out. But I know you will figure it out. May Allah (swt) guide you and keep you strong, sis.
Unfortunatley I DO think that the emphasis in Muslim marriages IS on the issue of establishing a halal outlet for sex. This is, of course, for both men and women but the emphasis as most things in the way Islam is interpretted seems to be on the male needs.
I also believe that it's highly probable that we have the whole interpretation of the permissability of polygyny wrong as it just doesn't make sense that the loving and merciful God who gave us Islam as a framework for recognizing the rights or women and protecting them, would at the same time give men the right to trample our rights and feelings into the ground by hanging the possibility of polygyny over our heads.
I don't know if I will ever get married again, but one thing I have given serious thought to is that it's not likely I will marry a Muslim man. I don't want the possibility of living through this nightmare again.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
Peace sisters,
Safiyyah ~ Angry is an understatement, I'm livid! But I'm doing fine though, really. I go through all these different emotions, it's just pitiful. One minute I'm fuming mad and the next I'm all vulnerable and sad. Isn't it great to know that I'm alive and can feel? We humans have all these emotion buttons and I think I've tested out the bad ones far too many times now. It's about time I tried out the happy, cheerful ones, I think.
I'm hopeful about my future, although there's a lot of hurdles that I need to overcome first. Will share more on that in the near future, Insya'Allah. I'm a tough cookie!:)
PM ~ I can't say with 100% certainty that I'm right, coz only God is the All-Knowing but I am convinced that the practice of polygyny has been twisted to suit the desires of egoistical, masochistic men instead of for the protection of orphans in general; as have a lot of other laws in the Quran. I invite you to join a forum that I frequent a lot http://www.free-minds.org/forum/
You don't have to agree with everything that has been debated. As God mentions, take the best construction of the different interpretations in the Quran.
I couldn't agree with you more about not wanting to marry muslim men again. It doesn't matter if they decide to practice it or not, the fact of the matter is that just knowing that they have more rights over their wives gives them some kind of a superiority complex. Having another man in my life is a daunting thought but if ever I do decide to marry again, I will settle with just marrying a believer, who puts God first and then peace and love for all mankind.
As Salaamu Alaikum:
But as Muslim women, we cannot marry non-Muslim men. Allah (swt) has not made non-Muslim men lawful for us. Please sisters: don't let experiences with these brothers take you away from the deen. No matter what you have to do! My former co-wife left Islam due to the behavior of our husband. Me? I left him.
Safiyyah:
Thanks you for your conecrn. I am unable to have any more children and if I ever do get married again it will be to a man who believes in God but not all the patriarchal, misogynist BS that passes as Islam in the world today.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
Great post! Most Muslims don't say things like that honestly, but it sure is true! Though I also don't think divorce should be banned (like the Catholics).
I know a sister who ended up marrying a non-muslim because she was older and could not have kids, and none of the muslim men in the community wanted her. I'm sure her husband treats her better than any of the men in the community treat their women. I don't blame you for not wanting to marry a Muslim again. It's very misogynistic that muslim men are allowed to marry non-muslim women but women are not allowed the same. We are adults, not children to have to ask permission to do everything.
Seeker, I'm sorry about my delay in approving comments. I just put it off and didn't get back around to it. It was me, not you! You're welcome to comment on my blog anytime!
Hugs!
Anisah
Sister, your posts just make me cry. May ALLAH ease your tasks and give you what is best for you. I don't understand what you and PM are saying about marrying believers and not Muslims, please be careful, it is clear you cannot marry someone who does not believe and uphold the 5 basic pillars of Islam. It will be too bad if any of us allows a man, a mere mortal hurt us so bad we want to lose our akhira. By the way, not all Muslim men wants to practice polygyny, if you have to remarry, why not make sure to marry one who is not interested in P.?
Pain is not an excuse to stop thinking rationally about the Deen. There are several posts about not marrying Muslim men because of the things that Allah has afforded them. The problem you have is not with Muslim Men the problem you have is with Allah for allowing the institution to exist in the first place and that is a very tenable position to be in and one that I wouldn't want to debate on the day of judgement.
Women aren't the only ones hurting in a relationship, men hurt too, but that does not then give us the right to say that I am never going to get married again, especially in the west where sex and girlfriends are so easily attainable. For a man who has been hurt and says that he is never going to get married again and is just going to sleep around is in the same boat as a Muslim woman who has been hurt with polygamy. Both avenues are incorrect and lead to destruction.
I don't know why Allah allowed the things that are allowed, but they are allowed and we cannot debate them. He knows and we know not. As far as I know there are two types of polygamist men out there. Those who care and those who don't. I have noticed that those who don't really have no concern over the women's issues and emotionally they are not stressed. Those who do try to be fair and have genuine concern, but either way it is never easy.
The only thing that I can think is that we are to transcend relationships with each other and solely depend upon Allah alone for our happiness because everyone else can and will be a source of some kind of misery or another.
For myself I know that if I am true to myself and my dreams and my Lord then Allah will take care of the rest.
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